I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
