i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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