What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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