dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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