grandma shit on top of the toilet
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
