from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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