I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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