I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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