im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
