why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
