Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
