Define "chronic" masturbator.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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