he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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