i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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