I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
