Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
