If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
