she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
