wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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