You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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