Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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