he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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