i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral