Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
