Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
