how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
