My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
