He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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