Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
