i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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