as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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