she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
