Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
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Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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