i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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