Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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