It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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