when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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