hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
