Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
