I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
