my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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