Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
