Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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