i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
