Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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