$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you inspire me to be a worse person
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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