we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just gift wrapped bread.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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