I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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