it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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