Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
