You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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