Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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