It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
