hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
