We're facebook friends in real life
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
