that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
