i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
