I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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