the condom got lost in my hair
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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