I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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